Boston Sports Oracle

Manny Two-Face

jackson8917 — Mon, 11 Aug 2008 15:34:41 +0000

Over the last month movie-goers have seen Harvey Dent’s transformation from a morally obligated district attorney to freakish villain. Over that same month fans in Boston have seen there once favorite son turn into public enemy numero uno. Eleven days after Manny’s departure to the west coast, sports fans have heard Manny say 15 different things about his future.

Manny’s transformation didn’t go to shit over night, far from it. Up until Saturday, there were some Red Sox fans that still had Manny’s back regardless of his painful break-up with the Sox. Two days after being traded to the Dodgers, Manny apparently felt so comfortable in Dodger Blue that he already decided that he wanted to finish his career in Los Angeles.

Just over a week after claiming he wanted to end his career as a Dodger, Manny has already begun talks about jumping ship, I know what you’re thinking Manny abandon his team, shocking. So why should Red Sox Nation care about Manny’s imminent departure from LA, because he wants to join the Yankees (Let me go on to say that this will forever put Manny in the Roger Clemens no man’s land; this means that Red Sox fans will forever despise him and Yankees will treat him like an adopted son whose real father used to beat the shit out of them in elementary school).

A close friend of Manny told the New York Post that, “He wants to play for the Yankees so he can get at the Red Sox.” My only response to this is what a piece of shit. Get back at the Red Sox for what, dealing with your shit or having the city of Boston treat you like a king for seven and a half years. Manny should have just joined the taliban or killed off a few endangered species, I think that would have hurt Red Sox Nation less.

Well on that note, congratulations Manny in a span of two months you were able to go from fan favorite to person most likely to get pushed infront of a Duck Tour Boat. As Red Sox fans, all we can do now is count the days until Manny’s next at-bat in front of the Fenway Faithful, basically so that we can verbally torture him. Until then Manny, on behalf of all of Red Sox Nation, we hope you get dysentery from Mexican drinking water.

Hollywood’s Newest Entourage

jackson8917 — Mon, 04 Aug 2008 19:53:59 +0000

With Manny Ramirez’s recent departure to the west coast, I started to wonder if Entourage creator and die-hard Sox Mark Wahlberg recast Entourage with Dodgers who have New England ties who would play who. First, I needed to figure out the characters I wanted to compare, I decided to keep it to the big four: Vince, Drama, E, and Turtle. The more I thought about it, the more I started second guessing myself on who would play who. After banging my head against the desk 11 or 12 times, I finally was able to put together a solid cast. Without farther ado, I proudly introduce the new and improved (I know it’s a cliche, but whatever if Mark Wahlberg wants to buy my idea then I’ll rewrite it) Entourage.

For the role of Vince, I’ve come to the forgone conclusion that Nomar would be the best Dodger for the role mainly due to the fact that both of them are pretty boys. Regardless, if Nomar has a crappy game or Vince releases a shit movie, girls will still love them and they both will get countless marriage proposals by crazed fans.

Then you have Johnny Drama, now this one was a little difficult, eventually I came to the conclusion that Andruw Jones would make a great Drama. I know what you’re thinking, how does Andruw Jones have New England roots. This one was a bit of a reach, but my reasoning was Andruw Jones played for the Atlanta Braves who were originally the Boston Braves, so there’s your Boston connection. In the past both Drama and Jones were leading men and had great success, Drama with Viking Quest and Jones’ days with the Braves in the 90′s. Now, they’re both are having dismal careers and it’s only a matter of time before no one wants to hire them.

Although they may not have the same physical attributes, I’d imagine that Derek Lowe would make a great Eric Murphy. Both of them never get to be Batman and are always content with being Robin. Back on the east coast D-Lo was second fiddle to Nomar and the same went for E and Vince. Secondly, there’s always another girl, for Lowe it was Dodger Dugout anchor Carolyn Hughes, whom Lowe left his wife for.

Carolyn Hughes: I hope it was worth years of alimony and child support

E’s girl problems always seem to be that he’s in love with his ex-girlfriend. E should just take a page out of Stephen Stills’ playbook when he said , “If you can’t be with the one you love, love the one you’re with”(If that doesn’t get me any girls by showing off my sensitive side, I guess I’d better start lifting weights).

Then you got Manny being Turtle. This was probably the easiest one to settle on because they are both lazy bastards and they each have one quality that if you took it away they would be pumping gas somewhere. For Manny that trait is his bat because we know he isn’t getting paid for his hustle or fielding ability. And Turtle’s quality is solely the fact that Vince has yet to get sick of him (It’s only a matter of time).

My main reasoning for casting Manny as Turtle is Turtle’s passion for smoking weed (I use the word passion because that is the only word strong enough to describe Turtle’s relationship with weed). During Manny’s tenure in Boston, the fans and media alike have suspected Manny of smoking the wacky tobacky. Although there is no hard evidence we all have our suspicions, come on, what do you think Manny was always doing inside the Green Monster (Which was also the name of his bong). Now that Manny is out in California don’t be surprised when you see Manny walking out of a Medical Marijuana Club. I can already hear Manny making some excuse about sore knees. I guess that’s just Manny being Turtle.

Special Teams Wizard

jackson8917 — Mon, 04 Aug 2008 16:14:50 +0000

Since I was 8 years old I have been playing football. During that span I was the fat kid, the lazy kid, the enforcer, and the skinny bastard. Unfortunately, during my high school playing days I was the skinny bastard.

In high school I tried to find the perfect position for a tall, lanky kid with decent speed, turns out none of qualities are anything to be desired on the football field. My coaches eventually found a position for me, special teams player. As a junior, I was the wedge breaker on the varsity kick-off team, a job usually designated to a human cannonball. During the season I was listed at 180 lbs., but in reality I probably weighted 160 lbs. soaking wet and in full pads. I looked like Lucas from the 80′s teen movie.

Although I lacked the size for a wedge breaker, I made up for it in crazy (Like I always say, never underestimate the crazies). Once the ball was kicked it was my job to sprint full speed into a wall of four behemoths with blatant disregard for my own personal well-being, I got a handful of concussions to prove it. The only guy on the team who was crazy enough to be my battery mate, was my bud (no pun intended) Ruthie. The same bastard who took my football career from me my freshmen year, but I will not relive those painful memories.

As the season progressed, I became more and more excited about running full speed into 250 lbs of pissed off linebacker. My junior year I was 1 touchdown away from eclipsing by personal best of 0, a record I had achieved throughout high school.

After a couple of games I began to see the importance of a solid special teams player. For example, in 1996, my idol Larry Izzo was an undrafted rookie for the Dolphins and that spring Hall of Fame coach Jimmy Johnson said that the only two players who were guaranteed to make the team were Dan Marino and Larry Izzo. Today, Larry Izzo is a 3-time Super Bowl winner, a 3-time Pro Bowler, and is in his 7th year of special teams captain for our New England Patriots.

Once I finally came to terms with the fact that I wasn’t going to get the same glory that the quarterback was getting, I was given my chance to show everyone what I could do. That Friday we had a game against Billerica, who would be a more challenging opponet for Ruthie and myself. The wedge that we would be attempting to break would be anchored by the Boston College fullback, James McCluskey. Before the opening kickoff I looked deep inside myself and channeled my Larry Izzo, I knew that tonight was my night to shine.

One or two concussions later, I don’t really remember much of the game or the bus ride home for that matter, McCluskey was still standing. All I had to show for it was a head injury and story about how a Division 1 football player and possibly a future NFL player beat the piss out of me for 48 minutes.

O Canada

jackson8917 — Mon, 04 Aug 2008 15:10:08 +0000

For as long I can remember, people have been giving me shit for one reason or another. As my high school years pasted, I had one characteristic that people always seemed to make me the butt of the joke. No, I wasn’t the kid who peed his pants in front of the cheerleaders or the kid who called his teacher mom. In other people’s opinions it was much worse, I was Canadian (Let me go on to say that my family is from Nova Scotia and we’re not French-Canadian, if you ever called my grampy French-Canadian you’d be lucky only to get an ear full). Personally, I have embraced my Canadian heritage so strongly, that I been trying to teach my girlfriend how to use “eh” in the proper context. Unfortunately, she does’t have that maple syrup running through her veins.

My entire life I had hoped for a Boston superstar who I could mention anytime someone sang the South Park song, “Blame Canada” to me. For years I have waited for a Canadian superstar to come riding into Boston dressed like a Mountie, and save the Canadian Bostonians from the abuse we have suffered for years. After 19 years of waiting the savior has arrived, his name is Jason Bay.

When the Sox acquired Bay from Pittsburgh, I tried not to get my hopes up because the last time the Red Sox acquired a Canadian born player, he turned out to be a juicin’ dud. This player worn the same number as Bay prior to being traded to the Sox and was also a deadline deal one year before, for those who haven’t picked up on it that player is none other than Eric “No Lead is Safe” Gagne.

After his first weekend with the BoSox, Bay has been able to put up some noteworthy numbers, Canadian or not. After a three game sweep of the A’s, Bay is hitting .364 with 1 HR and 3 RBIs. Along with is quick bat, Bay brings some solid fielding to the Sox, which is more then I can say about the guy he replaced. What was that guy’s name?

Bay, who grew up in Trail, British Columbia, has been in the Canadian spotlight for years. In 1990, his little league team represented Canada in the Little League World Series. In 2005 and 2006 he won the Tip O’Neill Award, which is given to the top Canadian player each year.

With Bay Pride Weekend over, Red Sox Nation look ahead to hopefully a long and productive career with Bay. Who knows maybe Bay will have a cult following in Boston, complete with flannel clad fans sporting Canadian flags, the way people would wave Dominican flags in the days of Pedro and what’s his face. I can already hear the Canadian National Anthem pulsing through the Fenway speakers.

O Canada!
Our home and native land!